Some marketing genius in Finland has come up with the hot idea that talking trash bins will encourage the Finnish hoi polloi’s cooperation with keeping the streets litter-free. Not just any talking trash bins, though. Trash bins that talk in celebrity voices!

The trial “celebrity” is city mayor Jussi Pajunen. His message says: “It’s great that you care about the city. Cool.”

What the hell? People of Finland — that is an insult! They think you can be bought with some zed-list celeb like Mayor Pajunen?! Fuck that. You should start carrying around extra garbage with you so you can deliberately throw it on the ground next to the Pajunen bins. Send a message!

And don’t even think of rewarding the talking trash bin concept until you get a decent celebrity. And I’m not talking about some Kurt Fucking Nilson bullshit (yeah, I know he’s Norwegian — whatever), but someone big. Like George Clooney. Or Majory the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock, who, let’s face it, is the perfect celeb for this gig. And she’s got great tits.

Apparently, if this project is a success in Finland, the talking trash bins could be adopted across Europe, which is even more reason for the Finnish to kill this shit now unless its standards are raised. The last thing I want to hear if I’m traveling through Baden-Baden is Wolfgang Gerstner* barking at me Stellen Sie den Abfall in die Mülldose, Dreckig Abschaum!

I do, however, see a useful application for Britain, which, when I was living there, I noticed had less of a litter problem than a drunk-plonkers-pissing-on-walls-in-alleys problem. I’m thinking alleyway stones can be wired to detect urine, and a celebrity voice can recommend the dirty skank take himself to the nearest public washroom.

Next time George Michael gets busted blowing someone in public, it can be part of his community service. And, ya know, it’ll help with tricks.


* Yes, the actual major of Baden-Baden, bitchez.