Extreeeeeme!! sports enthusiast and all-around dumbass Kevin Kearney sailed his way to infamy Monday by attempting to kitesurf his way through Hurricane Kay. Needless to say things didn’t go well, and a gust of wind tossed Kearney into the side of a local Tiki bar:

Shortly before 5 p.m. Monday, a sudden gust caught Kearney’s parachutelike kite and tossed him at astonishing speed more than 100 feet across State Road A1A before he slammed into the wall of a beachside restaurant.

Astonishing speed? In a hurricane? Astonishing, did you say? Ummm… no. That shit is to be expected. As is a face full of sand and brick (and starfish and used needles and Cuban refugees) if you’re foolish enough to get out there in a tropical storm and attempt play out your half-assed if-Hemingway-was-a-douche-from-Ft.-Lauderdale-who-parasailed-instead-of-running-with-the-bulls über-macho Mt. Dew commercial fantasy wankery.

Those familiar with kite surfing said it was an unfortunate accident.

Really? It sounds to me more like a PSA for vasectomies.

The event was captured on video. (N.B., if you turn the volume all the way up you can actually hear Kearney collide with the wonderwall of the Oasis Restaurant.)

Kearney remains in critical condition.