July 2008

[Via Michael K.]


Maggie Gyllenhaal

at the Tokyo premiere of “The Dark Knight”


[Tip of my darling beanie to Recon.]

Last night, I had a dream that I was trapped in an elevator with Madonna and her messianically-named daughter Lourdes. The elevator was completely douched to fuck and swinging in weird directions like it was on a track designed by Tim Burton.

The weirdest thing about this dream (yeah, I haven’t even gotten there yet) is that I’ve had it before. Not the Madonna-Lourdes part–that was new–but the unstable elevator moving in fucked up, scary ways part. I have variations on that dream all the time.

I looked up the symbolism of elevators in dreams, and found nothing but useless pap like “If you’re moving up, it means you feel your life is on the ascent” and “If your’re moving down, it means you’ve got a problem you’re not sure how to solve” blah blah blah.

Yeah, well, my elevators look like they were designed by Jordan Mozer and move like the St. Louis Arch elevator on three kinds of crack. I can only guess that means I’ll be diagnosed with a raging case of schizophrenia within the week. Possibly by a headshrinker who plays “Ray of Light” on a loop.

For your pleasure, this lyrical little gem I heard on the radio today:

One time you were my baby chicken
Now you’ve grown into a fox
Once upon a time I was your little rooster
But am I just one of your cocks

The Rolling Stones, 2005

I don’t know whether to be relieved or not that this was a Stones song. A relatively new one at that. I mean, at least it wasn’t Franz Ferdinand or the Raconteurs, someone young and new spewing out such infantile pap. When it’s the Stones you can say, hey, they’re way past their prime, and no one really gives a shit about them anymore.

Except that shit came oozing out the speakers of my car. No amount of Little Tree Air Fresheners will erase that stink from my floor mats.  Really, guys, if you’ve devolved into a full-fledged Tappian self-parody of yourselves, it’s time to hang it up.

Local hooligan fanboy and self-styled arch-villain Spencer Taylor of Three Rivers, Michigan (AKA Little Gotham) was trounced by the League of Justice employees of Three Rivers Cinema 6 as he attempted the Crime of the Century™. The plot, codenamed The Celluloid Scheme, involved Spence hastily attempting to abscond with a handful of Dark Knight posters and window clings.

Spence was charged with felony larceny, malicious destruction of property, and aggravated dumbassery.

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