Holy Jesus, what is this? Thomas Kinkade’s Christmas Cottage? A film based on the art world’s second-greatest* hack?

Oh God, Book IIChrist, what’s this film about? “90 minutes of burning cottages surrounded by wide-eyed woodland creatures” hopes one commenter. That might not be so bad. According to IMDB, Jared Padalecki (who was in the Gilmore Girls, a show I’ve never seen) stars as the Painter of Light™ himself. Maybe it’s a biopic. That actually sounds worse than anything clever I could think up. Check out the supporting cast: Marcia Gay Harden, Peter O’Toole (best gay porn name ever!), Geoffrey Lewis, Ed Asner (ain’t he dead?), Richard Moll (!!!). Wow. I can’t wait.

( * Jeff Koons will now and forever hold the top spot. Gold-plated castings of Jocko’s chimp Bubbles? Pictures of your wife’s asshole? No thanks. Fuck off back to Bennington College or wherever you came from.)