June 2008


Possibly: School locked down after ‘ninja’ sighted in woods.

BARNEGAT, N.J. – It’s the case of the nonexistent ninja. Public schools in Barnegat were locked down briefly after someone reported seeing a ninja running through the woods behind an elementary school.

Turns out the ninja was actually a camp counselor dressed in black karate garb and carrying a plastic sword.

Police tell the Asbury Park Press the man was late to a costume-themed day at a nearby middle school.

Awesome.

I totally want to meet that guy. Nothing is sexier than a dude who likes to dress up like a ninja–except a dude who likes to dress up like a ninja, and is a camp counselor.

[Tip of my jaunty sailor cap to Chris.]

An Activist Judge™ attempting to destroy all that is good and wholesome about America (i.e. our Flynt-given right to keep and bear porn) has issued an injunction halting the distribution of a homemade sex tape starring Verne “Mini Me” Troyer. Troyer was reportedly “very pleased” by the judge’s ruling. Perverts everywhere weep, and will now have to find something else to jack off to. May I suggest Ream His Midget Ass?

Yeah, that's... um... *gag*

Yummy.

Friday Morning Music Club is a weekly column in which I review new, old, classic and/or shitty albums.

Blake Lewis
Audio Day Dream
2007

I guess it takes a lot of balls to write a song “inspired” by “Putting on the Ritz.” I mean, really, who lists Taco as an influence? But, hey, good for you, Blake, stand tall. Don’t let anyone give you shit for loving synth pop. I sure don’t.

So, is the album any good? Well, it’s not bad. It isn’t great either. About what you’d expect from an American Idol runner-up. About what you’d expect from an American Idol runner-up who counts Taco among his influences. The songs are poppy, sort of catchy, but ultimately not very memorable. Sort of like what the Backstreet Boys might sound like if there were still together. Actually, they’re not that good. More like if 98 Degrees were still together.

There are no real surprises here. I could do without the beatboxing, but I realize that’s Lewis’s “thing.” It could be worse, he could have really overdone it and beatboxed on every song. Wait. Nevermind.

All that said, I admit I kind of liked the album. If I’m on shuffle and a song of his comes on, I probably won’t skip it.

Peter Dinklage

Approximately five days after telling my friend Jason about my crush on Peter Dinklage, who’s a dwarf, I received in the mail one DVD of a porno titled “Ream His Midget Ass.” Yes, it’s real. No, I haven’t watched it.

I have, however, watched “The Station Agent” about nine bajillion times.

Holy Jesus, what is this? Thomas Kinkade’s Christmas Cottage? A film based on the art world’s second-greatest* hack?

Oh God, Book IIChrist, what’s this film about? “90 minutes of burning cottages surrounded by wide-eyed woodland creatures” hopes one commenter. That might not be so bad. According to IMDB, Jared Padalecki (who was in the Gilmore Girls, a show I’ve never seen) stars as the Painter of Light™ himself. Maybe it’s a biopic. That actually sounds worse than anything clever I could think up. Check out the supporting cast: Marcia Gay Harden, Peter O’Toole (best gay porn name ever!), Geoffrey Lewis, Ed Asner (ain’t he dead?), Richard Moll (!!!). Wow. I can’t wait.

( * Jeff Koons will now and forever hold the top spot. Gold-plated castings of Jocko’s chimp Bubbles? Pictures of your wife’s asshole? No thanks. Fuck off back to Bennington College or wherever you came from.)

School Board Adopts Gay-Ass Uniform Policy:

LOS ANGELES—Seeking to reduce incidents of student violence and insubordination, the Los Angeles Unified School District voted 9-3 Monday to institute a gay-ass uniform policy. “We feel these lame uniforms, with their dorky ties and dipwad school crests, will help create a school environment more conducive to learning,” said LAUSD board officer Jefferson Crain. “We foresee fewer outbursts when students are forced to walk around in these retardo suits.”

I heart The Onion.

Which, by the way, is currently celebrating gay pride.

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