In Maude We Trust

[Via Michael K.]

Maggie Gyllenhaal

at the Tokyo premiere of “The Dark Knight”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20080730/hl_time/istherealazinessgene

[Tip of my darling beanie to Recon.]

Last night, I had a dream that I was trapped in an elevator with Madonna and her messianically-named daughter Lourdes. The elevator was completely douched to fuck and swinging in weird directions like it was on a track designed by Tim Burton.

The weirdest thing about this dream (yeah, I haven’t even gotten there yet) is that I’ve had it before. Not the Madonna-Lourdes part–that was new–but the unstable elevator moving in fucked up, scary ways part. I have variations on that dream all the time.

I looked up the symbolism of elevators in dreams, and found nothing but useless pap like “If you’re moving up, it means you feel your life is on the ascent” and “If your’re moving down, it means you’ve got a problem you’re not sure how to solve” blah blah blah.

Yeah, well, my elevators look like they were designed by Jordan Mozer and move like the St. Louis Arch elevator on three kinds of crack. I can only guess that means I’ll be diagnosed with a raging case of schizophrenia within the week. Possibly by a headshrinker who plays “Ray of Light” on a loop.

For your pleasure, this lyrical little gem I heard on the radio today:

One time you were my baby chicken
Now you’ve grown into a fox
Once upon a time I was your little rooster
But am I just one of your cocks

— The Rolling Stones, 2005

I don’t know whether to be relieved or not that this was a Stones song. A relatively new one at that. I mean, at least it wasn’t Franz Ferdinand or the Raconteurs, someone young and new spewing out such infantile pap. When it’s the Stones you can say, hey, they’re way past their prime, and no one really gives a shit about them anymore.

Except that shit came oozing out the speakers of my car. No amount of Little Tree Air Fresheners will erase that stink from my floor mats.  Really, guys, if you’ve devolved into a full-fledged Tappian self-parody of yourselves, it’s time to hang it up.

Local hooligan fanboy and self-styled arch-villain Spencer Taylor of Three Rivers, Michigan (AKA Little Gotham) was trounced by the League of Justice employees of Three Rivers Cinema 6 as he attempted the Crime of the Century™. The plot, codenamed The Celluloid Scheme, involved Spence hastily attempting to abscond with a handful of Dark Knight posters and window clings.

Spence was charged with felony larceny, malicious destruction of property, and aggravated dumbassery.

Which is more wasted?

Kevin Spacey’s career potential after brilliant turns in Glengarry Glen Ross, Swimming with Sharks, The Usual Suspects, and Se7en, or…

(more…)

Looking for a way to beat the summer heat? Try this new fizzy lifting drink from (where else?) Japan: Surging Eel! Yeah, eel soda. Yummy. It’s a lot like Amp and other Extreme!!! sodas here in the U.S.:

“It’s mainly for men who are exhausted by the summer’s heat,” Hayashi said of the beverage, believed to be the first mass-produced eel drink in Japan.

The fizzy, yellow-colored drink contains extracts from the head and bones of eel and five vitamins — A, B1, B2, D and E — contained in the fish.

I find it interesting that it is “believed to be the first mass-produced eel drink in Japan” because I’d like to think something like that would be pretty definitive. Seriously, how does one forget Pepsi Eel Clear? Or Cherry Vanilla Eel Diet Dr. Pepper?

Still, Surging Eel has to taste better than Mt. Dew.

Shia LaBeouf, otherwise known as the man who ruined the Indiana Jones franchise, is on his way to an inevitable rehab stint. The star of the enormously unlikable Transformers flipped his Ford F150 while on a drunken pizza run Saturday night.

LaBeouf was hospitalized and arrested, though not necessarily in that order. LaBeouf is expected to make a full recovery and return to work on the set of Transformers: The Sequel No One Wants next month.